I don't care what Laksa says. This IS a meme, dammit! *ROAAARRRRR!!!*
1. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
No, because he is demented. And demented people should be encouraged to kill themselves to prevent dementia from spreading.
2. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
The city. Assuming that all the city folks have escaped to the forest to get away...
3. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Applaud loudly. Hey, they don't call it survival of the fittest for nothing, okay?
4. If the “blackbox” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
The airplane will be too heavy to take off. Some more, terrorists will have to resort to crashing trains into buildings to prove their point.
5. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever eat?
Decent people wouldn't eat burnt toast. Indecent people on the other hand...
6. Why do the alphabet song and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” have the same tune?
Because it wouldn't be appropriate for little children to sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star - the heavy metal version.
7. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Because if bra was plural, people might mistake it as brass or even worse, beras.
8. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Because most adhesives are activated when they are exposed to air. That's why if you don't put the lid back on properly it generally sticks and dries out.
9. Can you cry under water?
No, but you can fart under water. Heh.
10. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Sandwich meat (I dunno what this is so I'm assuming that it's a burger patty) is round because it's meant to be eaten with a ROUND BURGER BUN.
Unless the meat in question is luncheon meat, which can be round because that's the shape of the tin it comes in. If people started to pack bread in tins, the bread would be round too. Doh.
Posted by Hedonistics Anonymous :: 10:37 pm ::
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Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Don'tcha just love virgins?
This is funny.
There was an 80 year old virgin who suddenly developed an itch in her crotch area. She went to the doctor who checked her over and told her she had crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was still a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer.
So she went to a third doctor and said, "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I am still a virgin."
The doctor checked her over and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs. The bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."
This is funnier.
A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.
The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an another way that will cost only $50.
The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor "worked" on her for several minutes.
After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.
"I tied your pubic hair," he answered.
This is the funniest.
A mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married, and mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. She made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was going.
The first daughter sent a card from her honeymoon in Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". At first mom was puzzled, but she went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent her card from Vermont a week after the wedding. The card said only: "Benson & Hedges". Mom went to the drawer where her husband kept his cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". Again mom was slightly embarrassed, but she was happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Mom started to get really worried. Then after a month, the card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways".
Mom took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted ....
Posted by Hedonistics Anonymous :: 11:44 pm ::
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Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Let's save the whales... except for one
Strangely, I have only ONE wish at the moment.
I WISH THAT THE OFFICE WHALE AND THE RESIDENT HOBBIT WOULD JUST PERISH AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I really don't care how. I just hope that it happens painfully.
Amen.
Now we shall move on to MY topic of the day: Abortion.
I asked my colleague a hypothetical question yesterday. "Supposing you got pregnant by a some guy who you definitely have no intention of marrying. Would you get an abortion?"
She told me that she would raise the child herself. An abortion is totally out of the question.
I'm more or less indifferent towards abortion. After all I'm not a fan of children. If I were stuck in a situation that warranted an abortion, I'll probably go for it. I don't see the point of raising a child for the sake of being noble or doing the right thing. It's so freaking expensive to raise a child these days. Coupled with the headache involved when the kid starts being aware that he is different from the other kids and starts whining, "Mommmyyyyyyy... why don't I have a daddyyyyy?"
Bleurgh.
"But abortion is murder!" scream pro-lifers.
Helloooo... having premarital sex is a big fat sin itself in the first place... so? I think it's an even bigger sin to raise a child when you aren't ready or not financially able to support him. If I were a child raised under such lousy circumstances, I'd be pretty pissed. Hell, I'd probably wonder why I wasn't aborted in the first place.
Scary.
Suddenly I'm glad I'm not a Catholic.
I wonder if the whale's mother wished she had aborted him 25 years ago. Oh well, there's always a chance of myocardial infarction happening to him with all the layers of decomposing blubber surrounding his heart. Oh wait, he doesn't have a heart...
Posted by Hedonistics Anonymous :: 10:50 pm ::
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Monday, October 16, 2006
You can tell that I'm out of things to blog about
I think malay guys who blog are hot. Especially when they blog in not-so-perfect english, with a smattering of malay humour for good measure. It's just so cute. But when chinese guys blog in broken english? Can tell them to go hang themselves until die.
I'm a
sudoku freak. I'm a slave to logic, which is why I suck at strategy games. Except Pokemon.
Fuckbuddies are alot more decent and uncomplicated than boyfriends because they don't play mindgames.
Never fall in love with a fuckbuddy. Short of incest, it's probably the worst thing to do.
I hate emo movies because they defy logic and leave me momentarily disoriented and spaced out. Remember that Mandy Moore flick
'A Walk to Remember'? I felt so damn pissed and cheated after watching that movie because noone can ever have what she had.
I'm a bookworm. I definitely prefer reading over watching TV. For me, the thrill of buying a new book is on par with buying mascara. Unfortunately, my anorexic budget only permits me to buy approximately one book every month.
Speaking of mascara,
Maybelline's Unstoppable Mascara is THE mascara. It's affordable and the damn thing lengthens lashes likes nobody's business! Although, it's not as smudge-proof as L'oreal's Panaromic Curl mascara, I considere Unstoppable a pretty good buy at RM20.90.
I don't use lipstick because it doesn't last through dinner, it makes my lips feel weird and oily, and it always gets kissed off one way or another.
Many people find it hard to believe that I don't drink, but that's the truth. I can smoke, but I don't touch alcohol thankyouverymuch.
Apparently, I heard from someone that I have a "slight attitude and discipline problem". I laughed. Okay, I'm can be fucking narcissistic, but that's just among close friends. I'm actually very low profile. So low that if I get any lower, I'd be like, six feet under or something. Huh.
Posted by Hedonistics Anonymous :: 8:43 pm ::
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Sunday, October 15, 2006
How NOT to deal with the subject of death
When my paternal grandmother passed away a couple of years back, I didn't feel overly sad or anything.
It was more of an "Oh.. okayyyy.." kinda reaction.
I was alot more concerned about her religion at death. On my father's side, Christians outnumber Taoists 10 to 1, and I remembered that my grandmother was a Taoist. Luckily, she embraced Christianity and managed to get herself baptised before she died. It would be awful if noone wanted to visit her grave during Ching Ming and pay respects to her using joss-sticks and food all because she's Taoist.
I dread Ching Ming because the number of graves I have to visit keeps increasing every few years or so. My father shares my sentiments. He told me to just cremate him when he dies and scatter his ashes in the sea. I praise him and tell him that it's so much cheaper and more convenient. That way, I don't have to deal with lugging trays of food and joss-sticks and ugly paper clothes to make him happy once a year.
Of course I don't rope my mother into the conversation because she'll think that both my father and I are nuts.
"Omg, but what if she finds out that she's going to be alone in her 6ft underground crib while you're swimming around in the sea?" I asked my father.
"Hah! That's not MY problem anymore!" he replied.
It's a great to have a family member with a morbid sense of humour.
Posted by Hedonistics Anonymous :: 8:24 pm ::
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Thursday, October 12, 2006
When Hedo is unhappy, she looks for nearest exit sign
Grrrrrrrrr.... *growls at Ashish C. for the tag*
1. If Britney Spears would be made Queen of the world and she ordered you to wear Frocks in public, would you? Why?
No.Fucking.Way. Nobody orders Hedo, the Queen of all Man-made Dramas to do anything. Absolutely nobody.
2. Ronald Weasley goes on vacation. Harry has given an ad in the local newspaper for a new RON, would you apply?
No, because Ron has a dick and I don't.
3. Why do mice like cheese?
Because cheese goes on top of pizza and we all know that every living creature on this planet love pizzas!
4. Explain the theory of relativity in detail.
But.. but.. there is NO theory of relativity in 'detail'!
5. Why are Orangutan’s red?
Because they're alot smarter than blondes.
6. Are people stupid?
Not unless they support Chelsea.
7. Is pizza better than a burger or is a Royal Chinese Duck better than a pizza?
Pizza is always better than a burger, dammit! And what in tarnations is a royal chinese duck?!?
8. When will I conquer the world and will you help me to?
If you need help, you shouldn't even be thinking about conquering the world, sweetheart.
9. What would you want to be among these - Stripper, Osama’s personal Slave or Dictator of Antartica?
Dictator of Antartica. I just love those cute little penguins.
10. Am I out of my mind?
Only if you support Chelsea.
Sigh, I'm really not in the mood to blog. Too many things playing in my mind. Too much unnecessary shit from too many unnecessary people. Gawd, I hate when things like that happen.
It's times like these that I get slightly emo, constantly searching for the nearest escape route to happiness. I seriously need a break. Just a couple of seconds ago, I was contemplating checking myself into a local beach resort for the weekend. Just myself, some clothes, and a good book...
...minus the handphone
Yes, it's definitely time to get away from it all.
Posted by Hedonistics Anonymous :: 9:38 pm ::
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Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Sometimes the grass is REALLY greener on the other side of the fence
Most of the time, I enjoy being aloofish. I can be aloof to the extent of ignoring people completely. Most people think I'm a snob but I really don't care. I think it's a hell lot better than going around greeting people loudly and draping yourself around them like some unwanted cloak.
Bottom line: If you don't know me that well, please do us both a favour and leave me alone. Trust me, I've got enough entertainment material in my handbag to keep myself occupied for hours. But if we've established a "Hi, how are you... Goodbye!" relationship, then you're allowed to greet me first and then leave me alone.
I'm extremely aloof among B's friends. I think it's because most of his friends have girlfriends that are loud, squealy, super-girly and they totally freak me out. I can't stand girls that squeal constantly in public. It makes me want to whip out my sudoku book and smack them hard in the face. But I usually end up whipping out my sudoku book and do, like, 3 or 4 puzzles in a row till my nerves sufficiently calm down.
Last night B had bowling practice and so I tagged along. Among B's regular bowling group was this guy whom I've not met before.
And this guy was hot. Swimmer's body. Slim hips. Tight ass. Chiseled calves. Very hot indeed.
But when he opened his mouth to speak, I was slightly taken aback. He had an accent that was so obviously fake, and he sounded too flamboyant for a normal male. If I heard the same thing coming out from a girl's mouth, I would've automatically labelled her a stupid bitch.
"What's his name?" I asked B.
"KE."
"KE? Hmm.. sounds familiar. Used to be from SMK ***** **** issit?"
"I don't know. I knew him a long time ago when I started bowling."
Hmm.
I immediately called up Lloyd. "Hey, you still remember the guy you dated before?"
"Which one?"
"Neh... the one who wrote lovey-dovey poetry to you."
"Huh?"
"Aiyerr... the one whom you blew cigarette smoke down his throat? Remember?"
"Ohhhhhhh... you mean KE har?"
"So that's his name, eh? Anyway, I just met him. He's very hot. It's a pity that it didn't work out between you both..."
Isn't it weird how super hot guys usually turn out to be gay? Oh well, I guess God does provide incentives for homosexuals too. :)
Posted by Hedonistics Anonymous :: 8:09 pm ::
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I am a narcissist... not a camwhore
I do not like taking photos of myself.
I do not like taking photos with people whom I'm not exactly close to.
But I absolutely HATE having my photos taken to adorn someone else's online photo album.
I might be alot of things, but camwhore is a dirty word in Hedo's Official Dictionary - quite an oxymoron considering that 90% of my dictionary content is a smogarboard of words that would literally make your mother drop dead in her shoes.
Someone was going around the workplace just now, armed with a camera to take photos with everybody. I was deeply engrossed in a conversation with another colleague when I noticed a pair of pointy heels just outside my cubicle. I looked up, slightly annoyed.
She pointed at her camera. "Wanna take photos with me?" she asked hopefully.
My colleague and I looked at each other.
"Nahhh, not today..." I said with a small smile.
"Yeah, not today..." my colleague echoed.
"Ohh..."
Clutching her camera tighter, she strode off to find more worthy subjects.
Heh.
Posted by Hedonistics Anonymous :: 1:37 am ::
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Monday, October 09, 2006
The virginity post
IMHO, virginity is wayyyyyyyyyyy overrated.
IMHO, a girl should just effing lose her virginity before marriage.
Why?
Let's put this in a best case/worst case scenario perspective.
Situation #1: Girl loses her virginity to husband.
Best case scenario: Husband is a natural sex god.
Result: Girl enjoys sex for the rest of her life.
Worst case scenario: Husband sucks big time in bed.
Result:
1. Girl hates sex for the rest of her life.
2. Girl divorces husband.
3. Girl has an affair with another guy.
4. Girl kills herself.
5. Girl converts to lesbianism.
Situation #2: Girl loses virginity before marriage.
Best case scenario: Girl automatically *knows* what kind of guy she wants and sets clear goals and vision to find potential husband/bed-mate.
Result: Sex is always good. If it isn't, dump him.
Worst case scenario #1: Girl gets pregnant out of wedlock.
Result: Get married, or get an abortion. The keyword(s) here is: USE PROTECTION, DUMBASS.
Worst case scenario #2: Girl ends up marrying a guy whom she thought was a sex god, but in actual fact, he's a pure lousy fuck.
Result: Oh well, at least she HAD great sex prior to her misfortune, right?
Random IMHO facts about virgins and their first attempt at doing the dirty...
1. 99% of virgin guys are clueless about where the pussy hole is.
2. 99% of virgin guys are clueless about how to insert their cock into the hole.
3. 99% of virgin girls are equally clueless about giving a proper blowjob.
4. 99.99% of virgin guys score extremely high marks in enthusiasm. Yay!
5. 90% of virgin girls score extremely low marks in enthusiasm.
6. 99% of virgin guys have no idea how to get a condom on.
7. 10% of virgin guys bleed after sex. That's why I'm extremely pro-circumcision.
Posted by Hedonistics Anonymous :: 1:02 am ::
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Thursday, October 05, 2006
I hate Jabba the whale
I hate whales.
I hate whales.
GAWWWDDDD I FUCKING HATE WHALES!!!!
The resident orca (let's call him Dick because we can't have two Willys, aye?) tattletaled again today. What a dickhead. Actually it would be a gross misdemeanour to call him a whale because whales are actually smart creatures. Dick here, on the other hand is a brainless, hostile lump of lard. Perhaps I should change his name to Jabba.
Colleague: I feel more and more menyampah to see him everyday.
Me: Tell me about it. That guy soooo damn babi one.
Colleague: I know it's against Christianity to feel so much hatred towards someone, but I can't help it.
Me: It's okay. God's on our side. He'll understand. I bet He hates Jabba too.
Colleague: *laughs*
Me: You know what, usually I'll feel sorry for people who are hurt or in pain, but one day if Jabba gets into an accident and is admitted into the hospital, I'll be the first one to give him a standing ovation.
Colleague: *laughs* Gosh, you're so evil!
Me: Evil? It's called retribution, baby!
One day I'll release Jabba's real identity here. Then all of you can Google him up and laugh at him for being such a sorrowful blob of shit. Interesting tidbit: He's got TONS of personal ads in those adult friend search sites!
Yeah, I'm evil.
So think thrice before pissing me off.
Posted by Hedonistics Anonymous :: 10:57 pm ::
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Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Of haze and knickers
Yesterday, the API was 186 at 5pm.
Let's see... knowing the gahmen as well as I do... the
coughREAL
cough API should between 240 to 250.
Thanks to the haze, I've been relatively moody... but that's probably the least of my troubles now. Thanks to the haze, I've been suffering from painful eyes, skin rashes, and sore joints. Uncle Georgie mentioned in the papers that no rain is expected till next week. Cloud seeding will be done depending on availability of aircraft.
The first time we had haze, the country made a big hooha. The papers reported the API everyday until the readings got rather alarming and the gahmen ordered the papers to stop, lest the rakyat start panicking.
Now?
Everybody bitches quietly about the haze but noone openly cares anymore. Good for them. Such stoic defensive behaviour such be rewarded with what, free gas masks? Actually, it's just not worth the bloody hassle.
On the upside, darling
Thongsie baked me a sugar-free chocolate cake loaded with pecans! I simply adore pecans! Thank you womansie! I let my daddy try some this morning and he said it's good. Of course I emphasized the sugar-free aspect and pointedly mentioned that you baked it. LOL.
Gosh, I'm soooo bored.
Which kinda explains the sudden curiosity towards
crotchless panties on Ebay. They look quite pretty, but I guess it would be pretty uncomfortable if one half of the panty base gets stuck between the lips of the pink kitty. Yeowch.
Posted by Hedonistics Anonymous :: 6:52 pm ::
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Monday, October 02, 2006
B is for Boredom
And today's blog entry is brought to you by the letter B!
B is for...
B - my boyboy. We put up with each other's idiosyncracies - my love for sashimi, my Mike Tyson moodswings, my penchant for asking the silliest questions. His hatred for crowded places, his intolerance for hot weather, his love for pork.
Books. I love books. Today I bought
Anne Frank's The Diary of a Young Girl (RM19.12 after 20% discount!). Next on my book wishlist is
Mark Haddon's The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time. I bring a book almost everywhere I go, especially to boring family dinners. Right now, I've got my Sudoku book and the latest copy of the Reader's Digest in my handbag.
Boobs. I enjoy ogling pretty girls with big boobs. Oh wait, ogling sounds almost perverted. Let's say I enjoy admiring pretty girls with big boobs. Ahh... much better.
Balls. When I think of balls, I get two separate images in my mind - one is a football, and the other is, erm, teabagging.
Boss. I've got more than one boss in my workplace. They're all very nice...
*crosses fingers in case they read my blog*Black. My favourite colour, which also happens to be B's least favourite colour. Black is good because it is slimming and you can spill soya sauce on your black shirt and noone will notice. On a different note, I like fried fish with black bean sauce. Yum.
Bitch. My
cousin dearest is the epitome of a bitch. Hmm.. I can hear her cussing under her breath now. Tsk, tsk... such adorable unladylike behaviour! Yeah, it's soooo like the pot calling the kettle black, hor? Tee hee!
Bed. Sad to say, I sleep on a single bed. Which easily translates to "I'm sorry but you can't stay over". Which also easily translates to "Why don't you get a nice suite at
*insert name of 5-star hotel here*?"
Basket. Instead of the usual 'baaaaaaastarrd!!!', I now go "baaaaaaaasket!!!" in an effort to reduce swearing. But since I recently included "nabehhhhh!!!" to my list of Good Things to Say When Caught in a Massive Traffic Jam, I foresee a losing battle. Oh, nevermind.
Posted by Hedonistics Anonymous :: 10:54 pm ::
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